Elegy for the end of a friendship.

I won't pretend to know what to say, here.


Losing a best friend is like losing a part of yourself. You lose who you were with them, even if you don't lose what you learned together.


I lost a friend I never thought I would. Her nonchalance at the end let me know I had been losing her for a long time without knowing it. Another surprise. I wanted to catch up and find what had gone wrong, maybe mend it, but the loss was already written for her. There was nothing to do but accept it.


How in the world does it happen?


How many missed calls does it take? How many weeks gone by without life updates, or feelings shared in confidence?


NPR's Life Kit did a whole series on making friends, with a segment dedicated to coping with the changing or ending of a friendship. In it, Rachel Miller shared Shasta Nelson's concept of the friendship triangle, as a way of understanding what sustains friendships and therefore, diagnosing what's missing when things go left.


According to Nelson, it's like this: friendships are sustained by equal parts consistency (showing up, staying in contact), vulnerability (showing up as who you actually are and letting down guards) and positivity (the good feeling that comes from around someone you like). All parts are important, but positivity is the foundation for it all. In triangle form, it looks like this:

via Sunshine Parenting



When everything is in balance, you've got "Frientimacy" (Nelson's kind of unnecessary portmanteau of intimacy and friendship - to me, intimacy is intimacy, whether romantic or platonic).

When things aren't in balance you've got... a conversation to check in, I'd hope. Instead, what I had was a best friend who seemed annoyed that I was bothering her about something as petty as our friendship. It was rough.

Ok, full disclosure: I was the one who ended the relationship.

We hadn't been talking as frequently but we did talk from time to time and were on good terms, until I decided we were being too surface with each other and shared something that made me feel really vulnerable - and didn't get the understanding or comfort I expected. There was fall out over which of us wasn't being supportive (she thought it was me) and a period of not talking. I thought about a compromise - maybe we could stay friends if we avoided this subject?

Ultimately, I drew a boundary - I told her I didn't want ours to be a relationship where I stopped sharing things, or vice versa. Vulnerability. Without it, the friendship wouldn't be the same for me.

I was willing to put in whatever effort and time it took to get back to a place where we earned each other's confidence.

She wasn't.

That was around a year ago, and I've been in mourning ever since.

I was lucky enough to have the support of another best friend, who I cherish so much.

Still, I struggle to accept that my other friendship is over. It seems inconceivable.