Do I see the choices I have?

Via Unsplash

In 2011, I played St. Vincent's "Strange Mercy" album non-stop. I especially loved "Dilettante." The chorus summed up my life at the time, I thought, since I was living far from family and in a long-distance relationship.

“You’re like a party I heard through a wall/I’m always watching you through a keyhole.”  

I had very little perspective at the time. The choices I had, about where to stand or look, didn’t occur to me. Going where I was invited didn’t occur to me. I had to be there waiting for the signal to come in to that party, to life with this man, whose life was on the road and in NY and in his head with his anxieties about being a musician.

I had to wait for him to see and recognize what I was and could offer, how I could help. I had to be helpful, to rescue him from the things that hurt and earn a secure place with him. And I had to burn with loneliness in the meantime, living on an island, as far as how it felt, how removed I felt from other people. Everyone was like a party I heard through a wall.

Feeling separate wasn’t new to me. It felt like who I was, an isolated person. I have had connections that saved me, connections that made me feel less alone or crazy many times in my life, but that didn’t change fundamentally how I saw myself.

I am only now trying to address how I see myself, by seeing the choices I make about being close to other people, and how I choose isolate, and why that’s the choice I keep making. I see the fear of being ignored like I felt as a kid, and the way I needed to be ignored to survive and avoid harm as a kid. Attention didn’t tend to be positive. Although there were ways and times I felt seen and cared for, of course. I’m untangling the lessons I learned about how to get that to happen.

How did I think I could earn care? Is it the same way I try to earn it now? Do I see the choices I have to do something different?