Do I see the choices I have?
Via Unsplash In 2011, I played St. Vincent's "Strange Mercy" album non-stop. I especially loved "Dilettante." The chorus summed up my life at the time, I thought, since I was living far from family and in a long-distance relationship. “You’re like a party I heard through a wall/I’m always watching you through a keyhole.” I had very little perspective at the time. The choices I had, about where to stand or look, didn’t occur to me. Going where I was invited didn’t occur to me. I had to be there waiting for the signal to come in to that party, to life with this man, whose life was on the road and in NY and in his head with his anxieties about being a musician. I had to wait for him to see and recognize what I was and could offer, how I could help. I had to be helpful, to rescue him from the things that hurt and earn a secure place with him. And I had to burn with loneliness in the meantime, living on an island, as far as how it felt, how
